"I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today."
Having to choose between crippling sadness due to holding in my feelings or risking making someone angry with me, which I am deathly afraid of.
"I would pick fights. Just because I was bored, or I wanted to see how he would react. Test the waters, see how far I could go before I hit a nerve. I did this because I forgot. I forgot that he did not have to put up with me. He did not have to continue loving me, wasn’t obligated to. I was not his mother or a sister who he had no choice but to love. I was a choice. Disposable, if you will. I could be rid of. I forgot that. Dear God, please let me remember next time."
"Do we choose sleep? Hell no and bullshit — we fall. […] We fall in love, yes? Tumble, in fact. Is that choice? Enough said."
"It's a metaphor" I have no doubt that you completely understand and stand by this statement that the act of putting an unlit cigarette in Augustus Waters' mouth is in fact a metaphor. But for some folks, we don't see it asa metaphor, we see it as situational irony, or a simple statement. Please explain how it is a metaphor.
Well, a character in a novel saying that something is a metaphor is not the same thing as the author of the novel saying that it’s a metaphor. Gus’s intellectual grasp often exceeds his reach (he calls a monologue a soliloquy, and misuses quite a few of the bigger words in his vocabulary). But I do think the cigarette is a metaphor, albeit a different one for us than it is for him.
Gus’s idea is that the cigarette is a metaphor for illness, and he keeps it unlit and in his mouth as an expression of his power over illness. “You put the killing thing between your teeth but you don’t give it the power to do its killing.” Gus’s thinking here is that HE has the power. This is why he tends to use the cigarette when he’s feeling nervous or powerless. (He’s also using the most famous commercially available carcinogen to make this statement, so obviously there’s a connection there in his mind: Humans can prevent cancer by not smoking; cancer is something we can have power over; your job is not to give cancer the power to kill you; etc.)
But of course Gus is wrong about all of this, or at least almost all of it. You may have SOME control over whether you die of cancer (you can choose not to smoke), but in most cases humans don’t have control over illness. “You don’t give it the power to do its killing” imagines more agency over illness than we actually have, because in the end much of the fault is in the stars, not in ourselves. So to us, the unlit cigarette is a metaphor for our false perception of control, and our urgent need to feel in control. It’s no coincidence, then, that when Gus’s life is spiraling out of control and he finds himself powerless before fate, he tries (and fails) to buy cigarettes.
I wish I were cooler. More impressive. My charm entirely depends on my funnily awkward and weird personality. I wish I had something else, something more solid.
"You deserve to be with somebody who will drive three hours, just to see you for one."
The truth is I’m not in charge of my happiness. I’ve tried to be more in control of myself, but at the end of the day, it’s everybody else who dictates my mood. I’m not in a good place, and it’s dangerous here.